My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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