woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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