brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
