i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
