At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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