I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
