I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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