you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
