Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
