so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
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I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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