woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
