i just sent this text using only my big toe
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
