Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
