this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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