I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
