Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
