my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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