My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
