id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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