no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
