Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
