there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
