At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
