glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
