Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
