he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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