i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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