wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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