Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.