i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
