i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
