Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So much rum. So many feels.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
false alarm, still single
Randomize
