Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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