Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
