I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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