I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She said her name was "party"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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