So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
