This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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