get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
