i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
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