i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
