for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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