she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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