just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
