My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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