My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
