I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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