so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
