Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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