I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
