We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
