And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
