this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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