Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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