We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Drunk walkin through police station. America
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
