She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
