I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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