Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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