I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
